WAHM: Advice From My Big Sister

"The things that made you fall in love are the things that will challenge you most in your marriage." My sister Laurie said that to me almost ten years ago, and she's been right the whole time.

While planning May entries for this blog I decided to ask my big sister's advice again. Laurie is a WAHM with two children and a home/car office. I asked her how being a mom makes her a better employee and how working makes her a better mom. What struck me most about her response is that aside from "Don't leave anything until the last minute", it's all about attitude. The attitudes that keep joy in her parenting also keep joy in her professional work. I hope that her suggestions will help you keep joy in the many roles you play in your life. Thanks, Laurie!

Don’t leave anything to the last minute. If you plan to stop by K-Mart and pick up costumes on the way home from work on October 31, you will inevitably have to work overtime on a project that can’t wait, leaving your children in tears because they have to Trick-or-Treat as bed-sheet ghosts again instead of the matching Ninja Turtles they had their hearts set on. Likewise, leaving a work assignment ‘til the last day (“I’ll just finish it in the morning when I’m fresh”) is a guarantee that at least one child will wake up the next morning with chicken pox.

Start every day with a fresh slate. Cleaning off your desk before you leave the office is as important as clearing the dishes out of the sink before you go to bed. These small glimpses of order may well be the highlight of your day.

Smile, nod and look interested. It will make someone’s day. This works equally well with a boring co-worker or stressed out spouse as it does with your first grader -- “And then Susie walked up and said ‘Hi’ and I said ‘Hi’ and then we went over to the swings and then Adam came up and said ‘Hi’ but I’m not sure I like him and then the teacher looked over and said ...”

Treasure the silence; it is fleeting. My favorite holiday used to be President’s Day – the kids had school and I didn’t have to work. Make the most of a quiet moment... whenever you find it.

Pick your battles. Does it really matter if your office gets moved? Does it really matter if your toddler insists on wearing snow boots all spring? Keep your perspective and fight for what’s really important. Besides, how many battles do we ever really win with a two year old?

Move on, and don’t say “I told you so.” So you know full well that your client’s ideas are so last week. You also know that your son’s first girlfriend will break his heart. Give your advice when you’re asked for it, and don’t be upset when it isn’t taken. Most people ask for advice to reinforce what they’ve already decided to do. It’s just not good form to say “I told you so” after the inevitable train wreck occurs.

Remember that’s it not just about you. There is nothing like motherhood to put your personal ego on the back burner. Rather than pine for your lost self, re-frame it as an opportunity to learn the fine arts of persuasion, compassion, empathy and teamwork.

My father used to tell us that the boss may not always be right, but he’s always the boss. The same is true about your kids. Enjoy it all!
Laurie

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

WAHM: Manage to Find Time

Here's another good article about making time for yourself. This one is from Cheryl, a WAHM with two kids and stellar time-management skills. Thanks, Cheryl!

Like most WAHMs, I spend my days mostly doing things for other people. My kids need this, my boss needs that, business travel here and there… it would be easy to short-change time for myself. But I know that if I don’t take care of myself I can’t be fully present for my kids or my work (or myself), so I make it a priority to take at least a little bit of “me time” every day.

When I began working from home three years ago, I gained somewhere between 8 and 10 hours a week of productivity just by eliminating my commute. Now I use that time before the rest of corporate America clocks in, for myself.

I run (well, mostly walk) a few miles and try to clear my head for the day ahead. I pray or think through issues with the kids or work. It’s a wonderful quiet time completely on my own.

I read every night before I go to sleep. My only bedtime rule is that the reading material is purely entertainment. No daily devotions, heavy biographies, or professional development. I want to get lost in the characters and settings of some wonderfully written novel. This, to me, is heaven and has been my joy since I was very young.

I’ve found that “me time” doesn’t have to mean “just me”. My kids are old enough to stay home without a babysitter, which frees me to get together most Saturday mornings at the coffee shop with a handful of friends, to share burdens or blessings, and to build each other up. I also belong to a bible study group, and I frequently call my sister just to catch up.

We’re all busy, and some days are easier than others. But if you’re committed to taking care of yourself, here are my Top Three Tips to help you do that:

• Get organized. You’ll feel better and you won’t waste time hunting for keys or shoes or cell-phones if you put things away. Keep up with a household routine, and start early teaching the kids how to pitch in and pick up after themselves.

• Be a good manager. Chances are you're in charge of the household schedule. So manage it. Be realistic about your commitments. How long does it take you to grocery shop or give a two-year-old a bath? The kids have t-ball and ballet tonight. Do you really have time to make brownies for the bake sale?

• Keep looking. If you think you can’t find time for yourself, maybe you’re not looking in the right place. You matter as much as anyone else in your life. If you have so much on your plate that there’s no room for you, something else needs to come off.

Cheryl


Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

WAHM: National Memo Day

Today is National Memo Day.

Memo to self: This is temporary.

Memo to my husband: I admire you more than you realize.

Memo to the man behind me at the grocery store checkout: Yes, I hear your heavy sighs. And I hear your jangling keys. And still, it takes as long as it takes.

Memo to everyone who works at or manages a drive-thru restaurant: "Just a small decaf, please" really means "Just a small decaf, please". I promise I didn't forget that I wanted a crispy mandarin-honey chicken salad, Jumbo fries, an aquarium-size soft drink, and three toll house cookies to go with it.

Memo to the drive-through worker: Three toll house cookies, please.

Memo to my BFF: I still can't believe it.

Post your memos here in honor of National Memo Day!

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

WAHM Survey: National Pack Rat Day

Today is National Pack Rat Day.

What's on your desk?

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

WAHM: Time for You

We're almost halfway through Women's Health Week 2007. How are you doing? I'm sleep deprived and facing another chock-full day, but this article by Holly Swantek has given me a new perspective.

Holly is a fellow WAHM who has found a way to make time for herself no matter how full her schedule is. Enjoy! Thanks for sharing, Holly!


A favorite indulgence of mine is a deluxe midweek brunch, seating for one. It's the kind of brunch that's usually reserved for Mother's Day. An omelette cooked in olive oil, with broccoli or asparagus, maybe some purple onion, whatever I have on hand. I grate fresh parmesano cheese over the top, add a grinding of black pepper, surround it with thick slices of a pretty red tomato, add a crusty roll or english muffin smeared with hummus or cream cheese...maybe some cantaloupe or Girl Scout thin mints for dessert...and a big glass of OJ. I eat at the coffee table -- where food is not allowed! -- with only the cat stretched out to watch. Scrumptious, I say to myself! The best meal of the week!

But then the phone rings. The computer beeps. Someone's at the door. And I'm off and running again. How am I going to get to my next brunch?

Soon after becoming a WAHM I realized that "time for myself" was slim and on the way to none. Caring for my family and managing my business leaves me very little time or energy for myself, so I've learned to squeeze out time for myself where none really exists. It's a matter of perspective.

When I begin to feel like a role rather than a real person -- the driver, the baker, the candlestick maker -- I use perspective to turn a situation that doesn't feel like it's for me into some time for myself.

Here's what I mean:
Three times a week I have to waste 45 minutes on a hot, honking rush-hour drive to take my son to baseball practice.
OR
Three times a week I get to spend 45 uninterrupted minutes with my son, a cold drink, and a John Mayer CD. It's time away from unplugging a drain or unglue-ing the cat's mouth... Gee, honey. You'll have to do it. I'm in the car. Can't find your book report/gym shorts/brown shoes/boss's number...? Can't help ya. I'm in the car. By midweek, I can't wait for the drive to baseball practice for some time to myself.

When I'm in my mobile office (piled up in my lawn chair with a stack of client work, my cell phone and the land line from the house) I'm also outside enjoying the fresh air and watching the kids play. That counts as time to myself.

One of my sisters has a toddler, a newborn, a dog, and recently completed an online course from home to advance her Montessori teaching credentials. Yesterday she leaned over her kitchen sink and ate a Fat Boy ice cream sandwich with her kids swarming underfoot. "Everyone was still around, but it only took 30 seconds to scarf it down!" she reported. She counted that as time to herself.

Most WAHMs don't have enough time for themselves. But if you harness the power of perspective, you may find that you have more time than you think.

As I reclined in the dentist's chair with a gas mask over my face and the TV screen overhead I realized that I was kind of excited about this alone time. "Are you comfortable," the dentist asked as I began to relax. "Are you kidding?!" I mumbled. "This is the first time I've ever gotten the remote all to myself."
Holly Swantek

Contact Holly at Holly Swantek Public Relations - swantek@bellsouth.net.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

WAHM: The Ultimate Mother's Day

Some days it seems like all I do is fill and refill. Just once, I'd like to have everything full at the same time.

My husband, my kid, and myself, so no one needs to be fed.

A drawer full of full pens. A head full of new ideas. A vase full of fresh flowers for inspiration.

I'd like to have the maximum recommended air pressure in all of our bicycle tires.

How about the diaper bag, the gym bag and the lawnmower gas can - all full at the same time?

My water bottle. My gas tank. My windshield wiper fluid. Full, full, and full.

The fire extinguisher, the first aid kit, the linen closet, sock drawers... dare I dream of a full can of new tennis balls?

I'd like for every box of tissues in the house to be full. Every spice jar in the rack and every cup in the egg carton... full.

How 'bout a full jug of soymilk to wash down my full cookie jar? And speaking of wash, I'd even like a full laundry hamper, so at least I'd know where I stand.

I'd like my printer full of toner, my fax machine full of paper, and my Inbox full of acceptance letters. My Outbox, of course, should brim with a column, a few articles, and a book manuscript - all complete and brilliantly crafted.

Please, for Mother's Day, will someone fill the ice cube trays? Fully charge the dust buster and fill my prescription? Would you replace my old, flattish pillow with a full, fluffy new one?

Maybe tomorrow morning (having gotten a full night's sleep) my husband and I will watch as our daughter is fully content playing by herself for a full five minutes. And maybe my husband will gaze at me with eyes full of love and a pot full of steaming coffee. And as I reflect with a full heart on our wonderfully full life, I'll know that although I usually see the glass as half-full, in fact, my cup runneth over. I hope yours does, too.

Happy Mother's Day!

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Joy!

"When did you become so joyless?"

I shiver every time I recall that line from the movie American Beauty. It's disturbing to think that anyone, especially a mother, can become joyless.

How does one become joyless? Can it happen to me? After all, I skip meals. I postpone doctor visits. I let my hair get too long. Do I do enough to nurture my joy?

Yes, I believe that I do. More on some days than others, of course, and with more or less effort depending on how crowded my To Do list is, but I have to say that mine is a joyous life.

Here are two ideas from Woman's Day magazine (Make Way for Joy, June 2007) for cultivating a JOYOUS life.

1. "Look for something that makes your body and mind feel so wonderful that you start to crave it," says Joan Borysenko, PhD., author of Inner Peace for Busy Women.

When our precious daughter was born I slingshotted myself into motherhood, and I'm embarassed to admit how long it was before I cared at all about my own appearance (my poor husband) or preferences or interests. It took a medical scare for me to realize that unless I made time for myself irresistible, I probably wouldn't have any. So now, instead of breaking promises to myself to workout in the basement (boooooring!), I'm back in tap class getting ready for a summer tour. And my flute and I re-joined the choir at church, so I have to pay more attention to my music and my faith. How do you make yourself irresistible to you?

2. "Let your soul catch up," advises Candace Pert, Ph.D., a biologist and author of Everything You Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d. She says, "If you kick back and do nothing for 20 minutes, your soul can catch up."

Are you kidding me? I never "do nothing" anymore, even at a red light! But I can do less. I can slow down. And when a little hand slips into mine to tug me from the sink I'm scrubbing, I can toss the brillo pad and dash off to lick play dough and dance like a cat. Because happiness has a way of settling in, but real joy must be romped after and wrestled into place.

Over the next two weeks I'll be posting contributions on this topic from some other WAHMs. I hope you'll check back soon to read their thoughts and ideas.

And tell us... how do you create joy in your life?

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

WAHM: May Day

Welcome to May! It's going to be a busy month here on the Freelancer Mom Blog.

May has been designated as the month to appreciate barbecue, eggs, and salad, so check back throughout the month for our WAHM Blog Recipe Swap features.

May is the month to Date Your Mate, Sleep Better, Revise Your Work Schedule, and Improve Your Mental Health, and we've got some great articles and resources to help you do all of that.

There's Mother's Day, of course, followed by Women's Health Week, National Chocolate Chip Day, Pack Rat Day, and National Memo Day. Be on the lookout for surveys, Open Q&A, and other chances for you to share your voice with other WAHMs.

Thanks to all of you who have contributed your unique selves to our online community. Keep it coming! I'm looking forward to hearing from the rest of you soon. And please, send this blog link to any other WAHMs you know. We all have so much to offer and receive from each other.

Make a great day!

Sally

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood